‘Tired and Wired.’ That was my response to the nurse’s question. I said it might be a good title for this chapter in my life. She laughed and said it was a good description of the chemo experience. I’ve read so many descriptions in the last three months or so and they all struggle to nail it. For me the big thing is the physical fatigue that makes you think twice about the shortest walk co-existing with the constant buzzing in your head that takes your thoughts in all directions. At least there is the reassurance that this is not normal, that it is drug induced, that this is the way to better health, and it is working.
At a deeper level, while this is going on, it’s good to focus on a verse or verses of Scripture that point to the presence of God in the midst of every circumstance, dark or bright, pleasing or painful, happy or sad. The Psalms bear witness to this and are a constant source of strength. Just this morning I read the powerful Psalm 51 which is associated with David’s response to being confronted with his adultery with Bathsheba. Overwhelmed by his sense of failure he prays:
‘Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.’ (v. 10-12)
Despite the consequences of his sin and his inner turmoil David is assured that God is present and He is the source of renewal and restoration.
Max Lucado once turned his quirky perspective on the story of Jesus calming a storm. You can find it in Mark 4: 35-41. Remember, Jesus and his disciples are sailing across a lake and a ‘furious squall’ blows up. Things are not looking good, the boat is in danger of being swamped, the disciples are panicking and, remarkably, Jesus is sleeping in the stern. ‘Don’t you care if we drown?’ scream the disciples. Jesus responds by speaking to the elements! He rebukes the wind and says to the waves: ‘Quiet! Be still!‘ ‘Then the wind died down and it was completely calm.’
It’s what Jesus says to the disciples that burns itself into the mind: ‘Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?‘ More than anything Jesus called men and women to trust Him for who He is. In their moment of fear the disciples see Him as one who does not care. They need to grow in their knowledge and experience. They are getting there when they ask ‘ Who is this? Even the wind and waves obey him!‘
In the end, what I am faced with is God in the midst of storm, fear, panic, disorientation. Maybe I don’t feel it but this is the truth that can keep my spiritual equilibrium.
Here’s Max:
‘Christ-followers contract malaria, bury children, and battle addiction, and as a result, face fears. It’s not the absence of storms that sets us apart. It’s whom we discover in the storm: an unstirred Christ.’
