During this latest round of chemotherapy I have to attend a weekly clinic. This is to check blood levels and to deal with any other issues that may have arisen. At present things are looking good. It’s just that my white cells are firing off this ‘bad stuff’ which is causing all the bother. And the ‘bad stuff’ is being a bit stubborn at present. The aim of the chemo is to bring this down as low as possible to ensure a better remission after the bone marrow transplant. Nevertheless, as things stand there is nothing to suggest that the transplant will held back.
There are of course the side-effects of the chemo which are a constant struggle. There are days when I feel very low physically, mentally and spiritually. It’s not easy to describe to anyone who is not familiar with the chemo experience. You seem to be in a kind of bubble that resists every attempt to break out and be more more yourself. Making a better effort to pierce the bubble just leaves you more exhausted.
This is where the combative imagery associated with cancer falls down. We’ve all heard of people who ‘fought it to the end’ and so on but it is interesting that these days cancer charities are playing down this kind of thinking. The truth is that there are days when the thought of ‘fighting’ is way beyond you. You have to think carefully before you move; your thoughts are all over the place; you press against the bubble and it just resists all the more. So what then? Well from a Christian perspective you need to start with acceptance. This is happening and it is serious . The outcome may be uncertain but there is also God and and He is not excluded from the experience. In fact, He is working in this for a purpose that may not be clear but it is going forward nonetheless.
To think that God is not involved is to say that there are aspects of human experience into which He will not stray. Suffering is part of being human. We are all subject to pain, disturbance, frustration. Are these areas where we cannot be meeting with our God? The Incarnation tells a different story. Jesus knew every shadow that can fall on human experience apart from sin and His decisive blow against the shadows was His prolonged and agonising death upon a cross. His suffering pushed back the darkness to allow the light of forgiveness and renewal to flood the Universe beginning in the lives of those who trust Him. The unknown writer of the Letter to the Hebrews tells us that His suffering completed His experience of being human and in that ‘he became the source of eternal salvation for all who obey him.’ (Hebrews 5: 9)
How does this affect my response to the days of struggle? I can start with the passivity and surrender of Jesus’ death and that through this God was working to redeem the whole Universe from sin and death. I may be feeling totally ‘out the game’ but God is still at work to draw me closer to Himself and to deal with those things in my life that threaten to obscure the light of Christ. That is how the early Christians came to regard their personal suffering and that what was required from them was patient endurance. Not screwing up your courage, not gritting your teeth and getting on with it, not rising up and fighting it but aspiring to the trusting spirit of the son who believes his father would never cause him a needless tear.
There is a fight going on but not against the cancer. In fact, from the perspective of eternity that is the least of my troubles. The fight is against everything in my life that resists the call to obedience and faithful service. In his book When Heaven Is Silent Ron Dunn tells this story:
‘A man visited the studio of a sculptor, and in the middle of the room sat a huge slab of marble.
‘What are you going to sculpt out of that marble?’ the man asked.
‘A horse,’ answered the sculptor.
‘How will you do that?’ the visitor asked.
‘I will take the hammer and a chisel and knock off everything that doesn’t look like a horse.’
Ron comments:
‘I think it’s fair to say that God’s purpose is to knock off us everything that doesn’t look like Jesus.’
I don’t have any problem believing that this worst of times could actually be the best of times if I emerge more fully in Christ, more established in His ways, more reflective of His being. What I have always wanted and yet perhaps not fully realising the cost.
